Wow. God is good. I am continually needing to remind myself of that fact, even when sometimes it feels like nothing good is happening.
Today is the first day of our Thanksgiving break. I feel like I've done very little yet it took up the entire day for me. I woke up late and went running (3.75 mi), showered, and drove up to Allen. Visited with the Tanellas for about an hour or so before heading over to Chirospa.
I nearly had a panic attack when I walked in. There was this kid at one of the drop tables and I could have sworn that it was Cody upon first glance. My entire body started shaking and I quick looked outside to see if I could see his car, but I didn't. Being scared half to death I took a closer look, and despite having the same body type and the same hair and similarly shaped face, it wasn't him. I was pretty shook up. Trey came over and said hello and I told him and he told me, as I already knew, that it wasn't Cody, but Connor, a really nice kid. Dr. Robb ended up talking to me and found out what went on, and I started crying. Again. How many times am I going to cry over this guy? God is going to get tired of catching all of the tears that have been cried for this guy who doesn't even know what he did to me. It's so frustrating.
Dr. Robb worked with me with the laser, and this whole issue is really affecting me and will affect every relationship that I will ever have if I don't clean it up. It sucks but the only way to clear it out is to think about it and continually repeat to myself that "it doesn't matter". As hard as it is to say that, my emotions for him don't matter. I can still love myself even if I don't have feelings for him. I need to continually repeat that until I truly believe it. My goodness it's been what, over a year and a half! What do I need to learn from this? To guard my heart. Like nothing else. I fall too easily and am swayed quickly to another path. I'm "passionate" and rather than rush into anything (career, love, etc) I need to take slow precautionary steps.
Yesterday I spent a few hours on my guitar. How I love playing. It really is relaxing and helps to calm me down. I also rearranged our apartment and cleaned everything up. I really like how it turned out. I hope my roommates agree!
I wish I wasn't alone for Thanksgiving. I really wish I could be home with my family, but God has me here for a reason. A lot of my friends who've heard that I'll be alone have invited me over, but I don't know. I don't want to intrude, but I am going to take up one friend on her offer. Luckily they aren't eating until 4 so it works out with my plans for tomorrow.
Whatever happens, it'll be a good break. I just need to make sure that I make it productive. I can't afford to waste anytime. Graduation is only 23 days away, and though I don't have too many things to do, I don't want to get lazy.
Abbie is coming in 21 days! (My best friend in the whole world!) My birthday is in a month. My thoughts are becoming sporadic. It's time for sleep. I can't wait for the day when Cody no longer affects me emotionally. I wish I could talk to someone about all of it who would actually understand and not get frustrated with me. I already am mad at myself for not being able to just let go of him. Pray for me for that. I'm tired of being hurt.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
2009: What a year so far
Hace mucho tiempo (mas o menos de nueve meses) que he escribido. Perdoname por esta locura. Pues, solo tengo 27 dias hasta mi graduacion. Casi no lo puedo creer. Yo, que solo tengo 20 anos, me voy a graduar este diciembre. Y mi mejor amiga va a venir para mirarlo. Mis padres tambien van a venir con mi hermana, y yo se que voy a llegar pronto. Tengo poco miedo, porque mis planes por el futuro solamente son ideas. No se que voy a hacer, pero voy a tomar algunos examenes para ser maestra de espanol. Probablemente no entiendes espanol, por lo tanto voy a seguir en ingles.
27 days. That's it. Then onto the real world. Am I really graduating with a four year degree? Will I never live in Texas again? For the first, yes; the second, I don't know. I honestly confess that I don't know anything about what's going to happen. God often likes to take my plans and just mess them up, then play out His plans. At first it's frustrating, but then I think about it and I would much rather have Him in charge of what I do. So my plans are open. I am going to aim for passing my Praxis II exam while substitute teaching and serving tables to pay off the rest of my loan. Upon passing the exam I'll begin applying to schools in northern Jersey, and figuring out if God will supply for some travel time to Central/South America or Spain. I hope so, that's for sure.
I refuse to settle for a mundane existence. I can't do it. I would never be able to work an office job, doing the same work over and over for 260 days a year. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied and no that whatever it is that I did, I did it out of love and full of compassion, knowing that the Lord will look on my life and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I have this feeling that my life is going to be extraordinary, exciting, a battle for the Lord, completely fulfilling. I don't want riches, at least not monetarily, spiritual riches, yes, bring it on. I have thought about this a lot this semester, mainly because of dissatisfaction with the way I had been living, but also due to two books that I read: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Generosity, which was a study my church did for the month of October.
What have I learned out of all of this? For all that I have been given and blessed with, I need to give more to others who do not have. Generosity. It is the key to living a fulfilling life, and I've seen that in some small ways this semester. I do have some regrets as to not acting when I felt the pressing of the Holy Spirit. I know I'm forgiven, but it frustrates me that I did not act in time. I hope that from that it will force me to give even more of my time and whatever I have. Watch this if you have the time, it's only four minutes:
It's frightening and exciting at the same time to think about being finished with the whole college deal. Exciting because I'll have accomplished what so many people do not have the opportunity to do, and in only 2 1/2 years. Frightening because when I'm away from school I have often taken steps backs backward spiritually.
This summer was bad. I can't even say that I forgot my first Love. I still had my quiet time, but it was more of a to-do rather than a relationship. And that played into all of my other relationships. My sisters and I argued and had quite a large argument; I could not stand my parents and the rules they gave me. I wanted out, and I wanted to live my own life, but I was caught in the trap of working full time, moving to a new house that needed work, and having a boyfriend whose beliefs did not match my own. Without giving the Lord complete priority, I was setting myself up for failure. Who did I think I was? Did I really think I was strong enough to do it without Christ? Who was I fooling?
I fell and I fell hard. I was trying to fill my aching empty heart with anything and everything but Christ. I tried so many things, one thing leading to another and soon I felt completely alone, as if the whole world was against me. The truth is that rather than the world being against me, I set myself against the world. And I'm just saying the world in general, not the Biblical sense of the world as described in 1 John 2:15. I hated myself. I hated everything about me, despised what I did, who I was. I don't know if I had ever been that low before.
Well I came back to school, which in other words is my refuge. I had to start over again, building up brick by brick. My time with the Lord had to be intentional, having the first priority. As I look back now, I don't even know how He did it. All I know is that the Holy Spirit has transformed me so deeply, piece by piece, where I can look at myself and know that I am loved by the King of kings. And out of my growing love for and obedience to Him, I will become more and more like Him. And for the first time I can see it. I will never say I am fully healed, but I know I am being healed and I never again want to be where I was.
I think that's enough for tonight. No need to pour out every single one of my thoughts at once. Step by step, little by little, that's the way to go.
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our sufficiency comes from God." -2 Corinthians 3:5
Noelle
27 days. That's it. Then onto the real world. Am I really graduating with a four year degree? Will I never live in Texas again? For the first, yes; the second, I don't know. I honestly confess that I don't know anything about what's going to happen. God often likes to take my plans and just mess them up, then play out His plans. At first it's frustrating, but then I think about it and I would much rather have Him in charge of what I do. So my plans are open. I am going to aim for passing my Praxis II exam while substitute teaching and serving tables to pay off the rest of my loan. Upon passing the exam I'll begin applying to schools in northern Jersey, and figuring out if God will supply for some travel time to Central/South America or Spain. I hope so, that's for sure.
I refuse to settle for a mundane existence. I can't do it. I would never be able to work an office job, doing the same work over and over for 260 days a year. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied and no that whatever it is that I did, I did it out of love and full of compassion, knowing that the Lord will look on my life and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I have this feeling that my life is going to be extraordinary, exciting, a battle for the Lord, completely fulfilling. I don't want riches, at least not monetarily, spiritual riches, yes, bring it on. I have thought about this a lot this semester, mainly because of dissatisfaction with the way I had been living, but also due to two books that I read: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Generosity, which was a study my church did for the month of October.
What have I learned out of all of this? For all that I have been given and blessed with, I need to give more to others who do not have. Generosity. It is the key to living a fulfilling life, and I've seen that in some small ways this semester. I do have some regrets as to not acting when I felt the pressing of the Holy Spirit. I know I'm forgiven, but it frustrates me that I did not act in time. I hope that from that it will force me to give even more of my time and whatever I have. Watch this if you have the time, it's only four minutes:
It's frightening and exciting at the same time to think about being finished with the whole college deal. Exciting because I'll have accomplished what so many people do not have the opportunity to do, and in only 2 1/2 years. Frightening because when I'm away from school I have often taken steps backs backward spiritually.
This summer was bad. I can't even say that I forgot my first Love. I still had my quiet time, but it was more of a to-do rather than a relationship. And that played into all of my other relationships. My sisters and I argued and had quite a large argument; I could not stand my parents and the rules they gave me. I wanted out, and I wanted to live my own life, but I was caught in the trap of working full time, moving to a new house that needed work, and having a boyfriend whose beliefs did not match my own. Without giving the Lord complete priority, I was setting myself up for failure. Who did I think I was? Did I really think I was strong enough to do it without Christ? Who was I fooling?
I fell and I fell hard. I was trying to fill my aching empty heart with anything and everything but Christ. I tried so many things, one thing leading to another and soon I felt completely alone, as if the whole world was against me. The truth is that rather than the world being against me, I set myself against the world. And I'm just saying the world in general, not the Biblical sense of the world as described in 1 John 2:15. I hated myself. I hated everything about me, despised what I did, who I was. I don't know if I had ever been that low before.
Well I came back to school, which in other words is my refuge. I had to start over again, building up brick by brick. My time with the Lord had to be intentional, having the first priority. As I look back now, I don't even know how He did it. All I know is that the Holy Spirit has transformed me so deeply, piece by piece, where I can look at myself and know that I am loved by the King of kings. And out of my growing love for and obedience to Him, I will become more and more like Him. And for the first time I can see it. I will never say I am fully healed, but I know I am being healed and I never again want to be where I was.
I think that's enough for tonight. No need to pour out every single one of my thoughts at once. Step by step, little by little, that's the way to go.
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our sufficiency comes from God." -2 Corinthians 3:5
Noelle
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