Breathe, Noelle, breathe.

I just wanted to share a little bit about what I read in my Bible today. I had read through Ecclesiastes over the last few weeks chapter by chapter, and upon finishing the book, I needed something else. I couldn't do another book of the Bible, because I feel by reading a chapter each day, I am only skimming the surface of the depth that even each verse possesses! So I started doing a google search, because hey, that's what my generation tends to do! As I looked over topics, I decided I didn't want to just do a bunch of verses, I wanted short passages that had to do with a particular topic. Charles Stanley was brought to my mind, so I was able to find a daily devotional through his website.

The topic for today is "Strength for the Lonely". But I'm not lonely God, am I? He knows better than I do, so I better get down to it! Passage? Isaiah 41:9-11.

Here are a few things that really stuck out to me:

• I have been chosen by God--of all the people of the earth, God chose me to accomplish a specific task according to His will that he has designated beforehand for only me to do.
• He calls me His own--I am His servant, but as Jesus said, "No longer are you my servants . . . but I have called you my friends"*.
• He has not cast me away--He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me* and no matter what happens I will always remain in His perfect grasp*.
• I am not to be afraid--He is always with me, no matter where I go or if I try to hide*.
• I am commanded not to be dismayed--dismayed is defined as discouraged, hopeless, alarmed.
• My God will strengthen me--He will make me more than I am, because I cannot do it on my own, I need His strength*.
• He will help me and uphold me--He will defend me in the face of hostility and inspire me with confidence by His righteousness and direct involvement in my life.
• Whoever rises up against me will be ashamed and disgraced--they will lose respect and regret going against me, because in the end they will come to nothing.

So why is this so meaningful for me (aka how do I apply this to my own life)? In my remaining days at home and during my weeks of training, I need to remember that God will be with me as I go down range, and He will not leave me to the mercy (haha!) of my drill sergeants because I will not be alone. He is right by my side and His Holy Spirit is living inside of me. I need to trust Him. When I think I can no longer do it, I will rely on Him so that when I look back I will know that it was not by my strength but by His. I am about to step out into the biggest adventure in my life, away from all of my friends and family, but with the Lord God. There is no need to fear because He will always be with me. I am going to need Him in a way that I never had to need Him before (Which means His power will be so much more evident to me!).

I only have about a week left so hopefully I will be a little bit more determined to write a few more times before I ship out. If for no one else but me, it helps me figure out a few things and clarify them for my own life. Well I've got 4, well now 5 books to read before I leave so I better get working on them!

Praise Him,

Noelle

It's April already?!?

So a quick update on where I'm at right now. Life is crazy, and where I'm at now, I never would have pictured even just three months ago.

At this very moment I'm in Fort Worth again, albeit for only 12 more hours, but I came down to visit my friends. I made a promise last semester that I would come, and while they only have a half of a week of school left, I made it!

So the last post I had was dated January 17th. Feels like ages ago, but the next day would begin a chain of events that would put me where I am right now.

January 18th. I started talking with this guy. Why? Because my mother asked me about the guys at church and I told her there was only one that I would be somewhat interested in getting to know. So what does she do? She opens her mouth and speaks to his dad. His dad mentions me to him, and sure enough the next night he adds me as a friend on facebook, and the following night we start talking. By the end of the night I had a date planned for that Saturday. What I later found out was the truth: my mom had betrayed my confidence. I was pretty upset. I questioned whether or not he only asked me to go out because he felt obliged or his dad had told him to ask me. But we went out anyway. And it went really well, to the effect that even today, three months later, we're still together.

Job hunting is a nightmare. Why will no one give anyone a break? Everyone wants anywhere from 2-5 years of experience. I just graduated. How am I going to have experience if I was just released into the working world? So I was working at the same restaurant until March, yes, with someone who tried to make my life a living hell. (Thank You Jesus for sustaining me. I don't know how I would have done it without You!) I started working at an accountant's office for tax season processing returns and doing some bookkeeping. Not the most interesting job in the world, in fact, aside from processing I probably did more explaining of technological things and the internet/computer than I did anything else. Please, if you're reading this and don't know how to do attachments in emails or google things you have questions on, TAKE A CLASS. Don't burden your employees with insignificant tasks that distract from the work that they really want to finish. So while not using my brain to even 5% of its potential, I was able to keep busy up until the end of tax season. But what about a career?

I can't afford to go back to school. I just don't have the money, and I'm not willing to take out a whole bunch of loans again. No way. Not when I just finished paying off my undergraduate loans and had to purchase a new car (which I also did--Black 2006 Nissan Altima 2.5SL--Love it!) with $12000 owed to my parents, which is now only $9000, praise Jesus! But while desiring to go to graduate school to get my MBA in Accounting, there is no way I would have been able to afford it, and I definitely don't want to be a waitress forever, not with a college degree anyway.

So, (drumroll please) I enlisted in the Army National Guard. Yes I am probably insane. I don't think I would have had the guts to do it if my boyfriend wasn't in it and helped me along with the process. And before you start thinking anything, he did not pressure me to do it; I came up to him to ask him about it. So I went through MEPS and this past weekend was my first drill. I love it. Already. I don't care if they kick my butt. I'll have life insurance, health insurance, education paid for at any state school, job training, experience. They take care of their own. It really was the only open door. It does mean that I could be sent overseas, but I know that, and it's about 95% certain that I will be deployed. I don't have a problem with that. I signed up for the Army. I know what that means. Maybe not every detail, but the major things, yes.

So these are the recent changes: I'm seeing someone, I enlisted in the National Guard, I will not be substitute teaching, and I'm trying to go to graduate school for my MBA. Definitely not where I thought I'd be when I graduated high school, but God has been good and He's opened up the strangest doors. That's about it for now, I have friends to see =)

2010: My starting point

PTL (praise the Lord) it's a new year. 2009 was probably the toughest year I've had. Lots of mistakes, continued heartache, you know, all of that kind of stuff. Good relationships, bad relationships, bad decisions, loss of some integrity, and finally succumbing to God's way of doing things and the results of that. (Not going to lie, many times they can be painful even though it's the right thing). New home, graduation, left Texas, totaled car, turned 21. My first birthday without a birthday cake: no candles, nothing, just about 20 minutes of Noelle, then on to everyone else--the forgotten birthday, the forgotten child. A truth stated but not fully understood: It's not about me. Moving home-no longer permitted to be independent, rather living in Mom's house, with rules, regulations, spontaneity prohibited. Not a year I ever want to repeat.

Where am I now? Results of last year: New house, parent's rules, no car, diploma but no real job, table-server, rough relationships at work. Most of it? Yuck. What am I going to do about it? Definitely some motivation to change things.

First on the financial check list? Loan. Get that out of the way, currently I only have 1700 or so left...interest is always making it greater. Second is a car. With "Grandpa" totaled, I have 4800 toward a new car--my dream car would be the 2010 Chevy Camaro, black with tan interior. But I would also need 21000 or so more for that. So I'll settle for a Dodge Charger, used, black or red. Yes, right now I'm in love with sports cars. As for travel, I would have travelled, had my car not been totaled, but life is always throwing curve balls, this time I got hit pretty hard.

So that means Jersey. No South America, no dreams filled right now. Not even Texas, just Jersey.

Then there's the life check list. Much more difficult to change. I graduated. But with a degree in Spanish. Every job wants a Spanish + ________ or 3 years of experience. Okay, honestly. If every job wants experience, where the heck is a girl like me supposed to start?!?!? Okay, now that that's out. Sigh. Breathe in...out. Recollect yourself. Grad school. That's what's next. I can't teach my whole life. I just can't. So I'll start out by getting an MBA. In what? We'll see what I like. After that? Work for a few years (fingers crossed) hopefully in Texas to save up for what? More school. Another masters. Maybe in Sociology or something like that. I can't do one thing my whole life, I just can't. God's given me too many talents to do just that. So the life check list is really just a list of suggestions.

As for guys? Uh, no. Sorry. Don't try to set me up. Please. I'm just not ready. I'm still broken. I don't have a full heart right now. Jesus is working on it, little by little, but right now I am a mess. If I'm not ready to commit to a job, you think I'm ready to commit to a marriage? I'm too young, too wild, too much desiring freedom without being tied down to a home and kids. Love them, yes. But that's why I have nephews and a niece, right?

Still trying to get back on track with Jesus. I'm telling you, being home is the biggest challenge right now to my faith. I dislike the fact that I'm in Jersey immensely. Already my spiritual walk is shaky, it's being challenged from every side. I HATE THIS. I want more, I really do. I'm tired of the complacency and the uncertainty.

Cody-why did you ask me that question? If you had left me alone I would be a Biology major getting ready to go to Chiropractic school. No uncertainty. No questions asked. But you asked me that question. And here I am. And you are I have no idea where, and you don't even care enough to give me some answers that I so desperately want to know. You've left my heart and what seems like my life in a mess. You pushed me farther in my faith than I ever had been before, and I was thriving. Since then, I don't even know who I am, what I stand for, anything. Thanks. I would say I wish I had never met you, but that would be taking for granted everything that happened because of meeting you. You started preaching and teaching again. You left your roommates in Garland and moved to Richardson with Chuck and Tina. People came to know the Lord. I grew so much in my faith. And then you fell off the face of the planet only to resurface vaguely and not answer any of my questions, leaving me even more hurt than before. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep having dreams where you show up again, and honestly it scares me to death. I don't know what I would do at this point if I saw you again. In a way I feel like I need it. In another, I don't ever want to see you because of all the pain you caused me. And you'll never read this. Because you don't care.

Enough for tonight. I don't want to think about this anymore. Pray for me. I'm so lost right now and only Jesus can help me, and I don't know how He's going to. It's already been almost two years. February 15th will be 2 years since I met him. May 15th will be 2 years since I've seen him. Ugh.

"My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"

reminder to myself

Wow. God is good. I am continually needing to remind myself of that fact, even when sometimes it feels like nothing good is happening.

Today is the first day of our Thanksgiving break. I feel like I've done very little yet it took up the entire day for me. I woke up late and went running (3.75 mi), showered, and drove up to Allen. Visited with the Tanellas for about an hour or so before heading over to Chirospa.

I nearly had a panic attack when I walked in. There was this kid at one of the drop tables and I could have sworn that it was Cody upon first glance. My entire body started shaking and I quick looked outside to see if I could see his car, but I didn't. Being scared half to death I took a closer look, and despite having the same body type and the same hair and similarly shaped face, it wasn't him. I was pretty shook up. Trey came over and said hello and I told him and he told me, as I already knew, that it wasn't Cody, but Connor, a really nice kid. Dr. Robb ended up talking to me and found out what went on, and I started crying. Again. How many times am I going to cry over this guy? God is going to get tired of catching all of the tears that have been cried for this guy who doesn't even know what he did to me. It's so frustrating.

Dr. Robb worked with me with the laser, and this whole issue is really affecting me and will affect every relationship that I will ever have if I don't clean it up. It sucks but the only way to clear it out is to think about it and continually repeat to myself that "it doesn't matter". As hard as it is to say that, my emotions for him don't matter. I can still love myself even if I don't have feelings for him. I need to continually repeat that until I truly believe it. My goodness it's been what, over a year and a half! What do I need to learn from this? To guard my heart. Like nothing else. I fall too easily and am swayed quickly to another path. I'm "passionate" and rather than rush into anything (career, love, etc) I need to take slow precautionary steps.

Yesterday I spent a few hours on my guitar. How I love playing. It really is relaxing and helps to calm me down. I also rearranged our apartment and cleaned everything up. I really like how it turned out. I hope my roommates agree!

I wish I wasn't alone for Thanksgiving. I really wish I could be home with my family, but God has me here for a reason. A lot of my friends who've heard that I'll be alone have invited me over, but I don't know. I don't want to intrude, but I am going to take up one friend on her offer. Luckily they aren't eating until 4 so it works out with my plans for tomorrow.

Whatever happens, it'll be a good break. I just need to make sure that I make it productive. I can't afford to waste anytime. Graduation is only 23 days away, and though I don't have too many things to do, I don't want to get lazy.

Abbie is coming in 21 days! (My best friend in the whole world!) My birthday is in a month. My thoughts are becoming sporadic. It's time for sleep. I can't wait for the day when Cody no longer affects me emotionally. I wish I could talk to someone about all of it who would actually understand and not get frustrated with me. I already am mad at myself for not being able to just let go of him. Pray for me for that. I'm tired of being hurt.

2009: What a year so far

Hace mucho tiempo (mas o menos de nueve meses) que he escribido. Perdoname por esta locura. Pues, solo tengo 27 dias hasta mi graduacion. Casi no lo puedo creer. Yo, que solo tengo 20 anos, me voy a graduar este diciembre. Y mi mejor amiga va a venir para mirarlo. Mis padres tambien van a venir con mi hermana, y yo se que voy a llegar pronto. Tengo poco miedo, porque mis planes por el futuro solamente son ideas. No se que voy a hacer, pero voy a tomar algunos examenes para ser maestra de espanol. Probablemente no entiendes espanol, por lo tanto voy a seguir en ingles.


27 days. That's it. Then onto the real world. Am I really graduating with a four year degree? Will I never live in Texas again? For the first, yes; the second, I don't know. I honestly confess that I don't know anything about what's going to happen. God often likes to take my plans and just mess them up, then play out His plans. At first it's frustrating, but then I think about it and I would much rather have Him in charge of what I do. So my plans are open. I am going to aim for passing my Praxis II exam while substitute teaching and serving tables to pay off the rest of my loan. Upon passing the exam I'll begin applying to schools in northern Jersey, and figuring out if God will supply for some travel time to Central/South America or Spain. I hope so, that's for sure.


I refuse to settle for a mundane existence. I can't do it. I would never be able to work an office job, doing the same work over and over for 260 days a year. I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied and no that whatever it is that I did, I did it out of love and full of compassion, knowing that the Lord will look on my life and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". I have this feeling that my life is going to be extraordinary, exciting, a battle for the Lord, completely fulfilling. I don't want riches, at least not monetarily, spiritual riches, yes, bring it on. I have thought about this a lot this semester, mainly because of dissatisfaction with the way I had been living, but also due to two books that I read: Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Generosity, which was a study my church did for the month of October.


What have I learned out of all of this? For all that I have been given and blessed with, I need to give more to others who do not have. Generosity. It is the key to living a fulfilling life, and I've seen that in some small ways this semester. I do have some regrets as to not acting when I felt the pressing of the Holy Spirit. I know I'm forgiven, but it frustrates me that I did not act in time. I hope that from that it will force me to give even more of my time and whatever I have. Watch this if you have the time, it's only four minutes:



It's frightening and exciting at the same time to think about being finished with the whole college deal. Exciting because I'll have accomplished what so many people do not have the opportunity to do, and in only 2 1/2 years. Frightening because when I'm away from school I have often taken steps backs backward spiritually.


This summer was bad. I can't even say that I forgot my first Love. I still had my quiet time, but it was more of a to-do rather than a relationship. And that played into all of my other relationships. My sisters and I argued and had quite a large argument; I could not stand my parents and the rules they gave me. I wanted out, and I wanted to live my own life, but I was caught in the trap of working full time, moving to a new house that needed work, and having a boyfriend whose beliefs did not match my own. Without giving the Lord complete priority, I was setting myself up for failure. Who did I think I was? Did I really think I was strong enough to do it without Christ? Who was I fooling?


I fell and I fell hard. I was trying to fill my aching empty heart with anything and everything but Christ. I tried so many things, one thing leading to another and soon I felt completely alone, as if the whole world was against me. The truth is that rather than the world being against me, I set myself against the world. And I'm just saying the world in general, not the Biblical sense of the world as described in 1 John 2:15. I hated myself. I hated everything about me, despised what I did, who I was. I don't know if I had ever been that low before.


Well I came back to school, which in other words is my refuge. I had to start over again, building up brick by brick. My time with the Lord had to be intentional, having the first priority. As I look back now, I don't even know how He did it. All I know is that the Holy Spirit has transformed me so deeply, piece by piece, where I can look at myself and know that I am loved by the King of kings. And out of my growing love for and obedience to Him, I will become more and more like Him. And for the first time I can see it. I will never say I am fully healed, but I know I am being healed and I never again want to be where I was.


I think that's enough for tonight. No need to pour out every single one of my thoughts at once. Step by step, little by little, that's the way to go.

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our sufficiency comes from God." -2 Corinthians 3:5

Noelle

The time of midterms...

So I am not very good at being consistent. This semester has been absolutely insane workload-wise. So many papers, in fact I have three papers due on Monday, a test on Tuesday, and a midterm on Thursday (After already having another two papers, a quiz and a test last week). It has driven me crazy and I've cried several times scared that I won't be able to make it. And I won't. That's the honest truth. I can't do it. But God has brought to mind 2 Corinthians 12 Paul's thorn in the flesh. "Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" Isn't that exactly what we need to hear? I'm sure there are certain things that come up in everyone's lives in which they are sure that they won't be able to make it, but the grace of Christ is sufficient! If we are faithful to do what He's told us to do, and realize that there is no trial that reaches us that is not common to man, He will bring us through it. It's an issue of trust. Do I trust Him enough to get through this? If I don't make that choice, I will never get through this. So I'm choosing to trust Him, to give it to Him, to cast my burdens on Him because ultimately, I don't have any other choice. Well, I don't want to procrastinate so I need to spend some time with the Lord before starting on the rest of my papers.

Response to Proverbs 25:4

Proverbs 25:4 "Take away the dross from silver, and it will go to the silversmith for jewelry."

Day by day You are removing the dross from me
Refining me, burning me, making me pure
As I walk through the fire, You are the One leading me
You are perfect and You have a plan for my life
You have jewlery that You are planning to make out of me
I don't want to resist all that You have for me
Flawless, that is what You are
Without blemish
Looking at you I can barely stand myself
I cannot look at myself for Your beauty is captivating
My heart, soul and mind are enraptured
I want to be wrapped up in Your love
In Your whole Being, Your whole Presence
As I look at You, bit by bit You remove the dross from me
So much like You I want to become
A strange phenomenon:
The more I look at You, the more I am transformed
One day I will be ready
And I can be presented to You as a beautiful piece of jewelry