reminder to myself

Wow. God is good. I am continually needing to remind myself of that fact, even when sometimes it feels like nothing good is happening.

Today is the first day of our Thanksgiving break. I feel like I've done very little yet it took up the entire day for me. I woke up late and went running (3.75 mi), showered, and drove up to Allen. Visited with the Tanellas for about an hour or so before heading over to Chirospa.

I nearly had a panic attack when I walked in. There was this kid at one of the drop tables and I could have sworn that it was Cody upon first glance. My entire body started shaking and I quick looked outside to see if I could see his car, but I didn't. Being scared half to death I took a closer look, and despite having the same body type and the same hair and similarly shaped face, it wasn't him. I was pretty shook up. Trey came over and said hello and I told him and he told me, as I already knew, that it wasn't Cody, but Connor, a really nice kid. Dr. Robb ended up talking to me and found out what went on, and I started crying. Again. How many times am I going to cry over this guy? God is going to get tired of catching all of the tears that have been cried for this guy who doesn't even know what he did to me. It's so frustrating.

Dr. Robb worked with me with the laser, and this whole issue is really affecting me and will affect every relationship that I will ever have if I don't clean it up. It sucks but the only way to clear it out is to think about it and continually repeat to myself that "it doesn't matter". As hard as it is to say that, my emotions for him don't matter. I can still love myself even if I don't have feelings for him. I need to continually repeat that until I truly believe it. My goodness it's been what, over a year and a half! What do I need to learn from this? To guard my heart. Like nothing else. I fall too easily and am swayed quickly to another path. I'm "passionate" and rather than rush into anything (career, love, etc) I need to take slow precautionary steps.

Yesterday I spent a few hours on my guitar. How I love playing. It really is relaxing and helps to calm me down. I also rearranged our apartment and cleaned everything up. I really like how it turned out. I hope my roommates agree!

I wish I wasn't alone for Thanksgiving. I really wish I could be home with my family, but God has me here for a reason. A lot of my friends who've heard that I'll be alone have invited me over, but I don't know. I don't want to intrude, but I am going to take up one friend on her offer. Luckily they aren't eating until 4 so it works out with my plans for tomorrow.

Whatever happens, it'll be a good break. I just need to make sure that I make it productive. I can't afford to waste anytime. Graduation is only 23 days away, and though I don't have too many things to do, I don't want to get lazy.

Abbie is coming in 21 days! (My best friend in the whole world!) My birthday is in a month. My thoughts are becoming sporadic. It's time for sleep. I can't wait for the day when Cody no longer affects me emotionally. I wish I could talk to someone about all of it who would actually understand and not get frustrated with me. I already am mad at myself for not being able to just let go of him. Pray for me for that. I'm tired of being hurt.