Breathe, Noelle, breathe.

I just wanted to share a little bit about what I read in my Bible today. I had read through Ecclesiastes over the last few weeks chapter by chapter, and upon finishing the book, I needed something else. I couldn't do another book of the Bible, because I feel by reading a chapter each day, I am only skimming the surface of the depth that even each verse possesses! So I started doing a google search, because hey, that's what my generation tends to do! As I looked over topics, I decided I didn't want to just do a bunch of verses, I wanted short passages that had to do with a particular topic. Charles Stanley was brought to my mind, so I was able to find a daily devotional through his website.

The topic for today is "Strength for the Lonely". But I'm not lonely God, am I? He knows better than I do, so I better get down to it! Passage? Isaiah 41:9-11.

Here are a few things that really stuck out to me:

• I have been chosen by God--of all the people of the earth, God chose me to accomplish a specific task according to His will that he has designated beforehand for only me to do.
• He calls me His own--I am His servant, but as Jesus said, "No longer are you my servants . . . but I have called you my friends"*.
• He has not cast me away--He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me* and no matter what happens I will always remain in His perfect grasp*.
• I am not to be afraid--He is always with me, no matter where I go or if I try to hide*.
• I am commanded not to be dismayed--dismayed is defined as discouraged, hopeless, alarmed.
• My God will strengthen me--He will make me more than I am, because I cannot do it on my own, I need His strength*.
• He will help me and uphold me--He will defend me in the face of hostility and inspire me with confidence by His righteousness and direct involvement in my life.
• Whoever rises up against me will be ashamed and disgraced--they will lose respect and regret going against me, because in the end they will come to nothing.

So why is this so meaningful for me (aka how do I apply this to my own life)? In my remaining days at home and during my weeks of training, I need to remember that God will be with me as I go down range, and He will not leave me to the mercy (haha!) of my drill sergeants because I will not be alone. He is right by my side and His Holy Spirit is living inside of me. I need to trust Him. When I think I can no longer do it, I will rely on Him so that when I look back I will know that it was not by my strength but by His. I am about to step out into the biggest adventure in my life, away from all of my friends and family, but with the Lord God. There is no need to fear because He will always be with me. I am going to need Him in a way that I never had to need Him before (Which means His power will be so much more evident to me!).

I only have about a week left so hopefully I will be a little bit more determined to write a few more times before I ship out. If for no one else but me, it helps me figure out a few things and clarify them for my own life. Well I've got 4, well now 5 books to read before I leave so I better get working on them!

Praise Him,

Noelle

It's April already?!?

So a quick update on where I'm at right now. Life is crazy, and where I'm at now, I never would have pictured even just three months ago.

At this very moment I'm in Fort Worth again, albeit for only 12 more hours, but I came down to visit my friends. I made a promise last semester that I would come, and while they only have a half of a week of school left, I made it!

So the last post I had was dated January 17th. Feels like ages ago, but the next day would begin a chain of events that would put me where I am right now.

January 18th. I started talking with this guy. Why? Because my mother asked me about the guys at church and I told her there was only one that I would be somewhat interested in getting to know. So what does she do? She opens her mouth and speaks to his dad. His dad mentions me to him, and sure enough the next night he adds me as a friend on facebook, and the following night we start talking. By the end of the night I had a date planned for that Saturday. What I later found out was the truth: my mom had betrayed my confidence. I was pretty upset. I questioned whether or not he only asked me to go out because he felt obliged or his dad had told him to ask me. But we went out anyway. And it went really well, to the effect that even today, three months later, we're still together.

Job hunting is a nightmare. Why will no one give anyone a break? Everyone wants anywhere from 2-5 years of experience. I just graduated. How am I going to have experience if I was just released into the working world? So I was working at the same restaurant until March, yes, with someone who tried to make my life a living hell. (Thank You Jesus for sustaining me. I don't know how I would have done it without You!) I started working at an accountant's office for tax season processing returns and doing some bookkeeping. Not the most interesting job in the world, in fact, aside from processing I probably did more explaining of technological things and the internet/computer than I did anything else. Please, if you're reading this and don't know how to do attachments in emails or google things you have questions on, TAKE A CLASS. Don't burden your employees with insignificant tasks that distract from the work that they really want to finish. So while not using my brain to even 5% of its potential, I was able to keep busy up until the end of tax season. But what about a career?

I can't afford to go back to school. I just don't have the money, and I'm not willing to take out a whole bunch of loans again. No way. Not when I just finished paying off my undergraduate loans and had to purchase a new car (which I also did--Black 2006 Nissan Altima 2.5SL--Love it!) with $12000 owed to my parents, which is now only $9000, praise Jesus! But while desiring to go to graduate school to get my MBA in Accounting, there is no way I would have been able to afford it, and I definitely don't want to be a waitress forever, not with a college degree anyway.

So, (drumroll please) I enlisted in the Army National Guard. Yes I am probably insane. I don't think I would have had the guts to do it if my boyfriend wasn't in it and helped me along with the process. And before you start thinking anything, he did not pressure me to do it; I came up to him to ask him about it. So I went through MEPS and this past weekend was my first drill. I love it. Already. I don't care if they kick my butt. I'll have life insurance, health insurance, education paid for at any state school, job training, experience. They take care of their own. It really was the only open door. It does mean that I could be sent overseas, but I know that, and it's about 95% certain that I will be deployed. I don't have a problem with that. I signed up for the Army. I know what that means. Maybe not every detail, but the major things, yes.

So these are the recent changes: I'm seeing someone, I enlisted in the National Guard, I will not be substitute teaching, and I'm trying to go to graduate school for my MBA. Definitely not where I thought I'd be when I graduated high school, but God has been good and He's opened up the strangest doors. That's about it for now, I have friends to see =)

2010: My starting point

PTL (praise the Lord) it's a new year. 2009 was probably the toughest year I've had. Lots of mistakes, continued heartache, you know, all of that kind of stuff. Good relationships, bad relationships, bad decisions, loss of some integrity, and finally succumbing to God's way of doing things and the results of that. (Not going to lie, many times they can be painful even though it's the right thing). New home, graduation, left Texas, totaled car, turned 21. My first birthday without a birthday cake: no candles, nothing, just about 20 minutes of Noelle, then on to everyone else--the forgotten birthday, the forgotten child. A truth stated but not fully understood: It's not about me. Moving home-no longer permitted to be independent, rather living in Mom's house, with rules, regulations, spontaneity prohibited. Not a year I ever want to repeat.

Where am I now? Results of last year: New house, parent's rules, no car, diploma but no real job, table-server, rough relationships at work. Most of it? Yuck. What am I going to do about it? Definitely some motivation to change things.

First on the financial check list? Loan. Get that out of the way, currently I only have 1700 or so left...interest is always making it greater. Second is a car. With "Grandpa" totaled, I have 4800 toward a new car--my dream car would be the 2010 Chevy Camaro, black with tan interior. But I would also need 21000 or so more for that. So I'll settle for a Dodge Charger, used, black or red. Yes, right now I'm in love with sports cars. As for travel, I would have travelled, had my car not been totaled, but life is always throwing curve balls, this time I got hit pretty hard.

So that means Jersey. No South America, no dreams filled right now. Not even Texas, just Jersey.

Then there's the life check list. Much more difficult to change. I graduated. But with a degree in Spanish. Every job wants a Spanish + ________ or 3 years of experience. Okay, honestly. If every job wants experience, where the heck is a girl like me supposed to start?!?!? Okay, now that that's out. Sigh. Breathe in...out. Recollect yourself. Grad school. That's what's next. I can't teach my whole life. I just can't. So I'll start out by getting an MBA. In what? We'll see what I like. After that? Work for a few years (fingers crossed) hopefully in Texas to save up for what? More school. Another masters. Maybe in Sociology or something like that. I can't do one thing my whole life, I just can't. God's given me too many talents to do just that. So the life check list is really just a list of suggestions.

As for guys? Uh, no. Sorry. Don't try to set me up. Please. I'm just not ready. I'm still broken. I don't have a full heart right now. Jesus is working on it, little by little, but right now I am a mess. If I'm not ready to commit to a job, you think I'm ready to commit to a marriage? I'm too young, too wild, too much desiring freedom without being tied down to a home and kids. Love them, yes. But that's why I have nephews and a niece, right?

Still trying to get back on track with Jesus. I'm telling you, being home is the biggest challenge right now to my faith. I dislike the fact that I'm in Jersey immensely. Already my spiritual walk is shaky, it's being challenged from every side. I HATE THIS. I want more, I really do. I'm tired of the complacency and the uncertainty.

Cody-why did you ask me that question? If you had left me alone I would be a Biology major getting ready to go to Chiropractic school. No uncertainty. No questions asked. But you asked me that question. And here I am. And you are I have no idea where, and you don't even care enough to give me some answers that I so desperately want to know. You've left my heart and what seems like my life in a mess. You pushed me farther in my faith than I ever had been before, and I was thriving. Since then, I don't even know who I am, what I stand for, anything. Thanks. I would say I wish I had never met you, but that would be taking for granted everything that happened because of meeting you. You started preaching and teaching again. You left your roommates in Garland and moved to Richardson with Chuck and Tina. People came to know the Lord. I grew so much in my faith. And then you fell off the face of the planet only to resurface vaguely and not answer any of my questions, leaving me even more hurt than before. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep having dreams where you show up again, and honestly it scares me to death. I don't know what I would do at this point if I saw you again. In a way I feel like I need it. In another, I don't ever want to see you because of all the pain you caused me. And you'll never read this. Because you don't care.

Enough for tonight. I don't want to think about this anymore. Pray for me. I'm so lost right now and only Jesus can help me, and I don't know how He's going to. It's already been almost two years. February 15th will be 2 years since I met him. May 15th will be 2 years since I've seen him. Ugh.

"My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"