2010: My starting point

PTL (praise the Lord) it's a new year. 2009 was probably the toughest year I've had. Lots of mistakes, continued heartache, you know, all of that kind of stuff. Good relationships, bad relationships, bad decisions, loss of some integrity, and finally succumbing to God's way of doing things and the results of that. (Not going to lie, many times they can be painful even though it's the right thing). New home, graduation, left Texas, totaled car, turned 21. My first birthday without a birthday cake: no candles, nothing, just about 20 minutes of Noelle, then on to everyone else--the forgotten birthday, the forgotten child. A truth stated but not fully understood: It's not about me. Moving home-no longer permitted to be independent, rather living in Mom's house, with rules, regulations, spontaneity prohibited. Not a year I ever want to repeat.

Where am I now? Results of last year: New house, parent's rules, no car, diploma but no real job, table-server, rough relationships at work. Most of it? Yuck. What am I going to do about it? Definitely some motivation to change things.

First on the financial check list? Loan. Get that out of the way, currently I only have 1700 or so left...interest is always making it greater. Second is a car. With "Grandpa" totaled, I have 4800 toward a new car--my dream car would be the 2010 Chevy Camaro, black with tan interior. But I would also need 21000 or so more for that. So I'll settle for a Dodge Charger, used, black or red. Yes, right now I'm in love with sports cars. As for travel, I would have travelled, had my car not been totaled, but life is always throwing curve balls, this time I got hit pretty hard.

So that means Jersey. No South America, no dreams filled right now. Not even Texas, just Jersey.

Then there's the life check list. Much more difficult to change. I graduated. But with a degree in Spanish. Every job wants a Spanish + ________ or 3 years of experience. Okay, honestly. If every job wants experience, where the heck is a girl like me supposed to start?!?!? Okay, now that that's out. Sigh. Breathe in...out. Recollect yourself. Grad school. That's what's next. I can't teach my whole life. I just can't. So I'll start out by getting an MBA. In what? We'll see what I like. After that? Work for a few years (fingers crossed) hopefully in Texas to save up for what? More school. Another masters. Maybe in Sociology or something like that. I can't do one thing my whole life, I just can't. God's given me too many talents to do just that. So the life check list is really just a list of suggestions.

As for guys? Uh, no. Sorry. Don't try to set me up. Please. I'm just not ready. I'm still broken. I don't have a full heart right now. Jesus is working on it, little by little, but right now I am a mess. If I'm not ready to commit to a job, you think I'm ready to commit to a marriage? I'm too young, too wild, too much desiring freedom without being tied down to a home and kids. Love them, yes. But that's why I have nephews and a niece, right?

Still trying to get back on track with Jesus. I'm telling you, being home is the biggest challenge right now to my faith. I dislike the fact that I'm in Jersey immensely. Already my spiritual walk is shaky, it's being challenged from every side. I HATE THIS. I want more, I really do. I'm tired of the complacency and the uncertainty.

Cody-why did you ask me that question? If you had left me alone I would be a Biology major getting ready to go to Chiropractic school. No uncertainty. No questions asked. But you asked me that question. And here I am. And you are I have no idea where, and you don't even care enough to give me some answers that I so desperately want to know. You've left my heart and what seems like my life in a mess. You pushed me farther in my faith than I ever had been before, and I was thriving. Since then, I don't even know who I am, what I stand for, anything. Thanks. I would say I wish I had never met you, but that would be taking for granted everything that happened because of meeting you. You started preaching and teaching again. You left your roommates in Garland and moved to Richardson with Chuck and Tina. People came to know the Lord. I grew so much in my faith. And then you fell off the face of the planet only to resurface vaguely and not answer any of my questions, leaving me even more hurt than before. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I keep having dreams where you show up again, and honestly it scares me to death. I don't know what I would do at this point if I saw you again. In a way I feel like I need it. In another, I don't ever want to see you because of all the pain you caused me. And you'll never read this. Because you don't care.

Enough for tonight. I don't want to think about this anymore. Pray for me. I'm so lost right now and only Jesus can help me, and I don't know how He's going to. It's already been almost two years. February 15th will be 2 years since I met him. May 15th will be 2 years since I've seen him. Ugh.

"My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth"